I finished work quite late and called. I thought...."It's a beautiful evening....can i pick up my son please and just take hime to the local play park for half an hour?"
No not tonight.... he was upset when you left last night....i want him to settle.
Hmmm......
Yeah, i know!! You need that space.
My friend told me that now it's time to rota my visits.
Yeah, I know!!
So that's how it is anyway. Sad really that my little boy of 9 has to accept that i'm not going to be around every night when he goes to bed.
He'll be okay though...i know that.
As long as I remind him how much I love him. He'll be okay. He'll be okay.
Tuesday 24 June 2008
Monday 23 June 2008
My Little Soul
As I reversed from the house after a short visit, I watched and waved back, as, from the bedroom window, he kept wavingto me........and it made me weep.
My Little Soul
What have I done?
My Little Soul
What have I done?
Sunday 15 June 2008
The Advance
I wanted just a little more time to get everything covered with sufficient self-organised intelligence, much like a military task, just a week or more, but plans need to stay fluid. She wants me to vacate sooner against my needs and considerations for our son.
Today I will have to tell him that I am leaving the family home.
I can understand her needs also to move on and be comfortable.
Today I have to re-start a new phase of life.
I'm not looking forward to telling my son the news, even though I'm sure that in time, sooner rather than later.....it will be easier on everyone.
It is to all our benefits I realise.
But today, having just finished night shift.....it is not such a good feeling.
Still though, for all I know it is for the best....I do question my myself.......
"Why could I not settle and accept things in my life, our relationship.....and just be content that she is a good woman, and that I have a family and a home for all of us?"
"Why could I just not live more simpler!
Today I will have to tell him that I am leaving the family home.
I can understand her needs also to move on and be comfortable.
Today I have to re-start a new phase of life.
I'm not looking forward to telling my son the news, even though I'm sure that in time, sooner rather than later.....it will be easier on everyone.
It is to all our benefits I realise.
But today, having just finished night shift.....it is not such a good feeling.
Still though, for all I know it is for the best....I do question my myself.......
"Why could I not settle and accept things in my life, our relationship.....and just be content that she is a good woman, and that I have a family and a home for all of us?"
"Why could I just not live more simpler!
Wednesday 11 June 2008
D-DAY 6th JUNE
After several years of being unhappy with marriage, around each other....for whatever personal differences or external reasons that they cause.........sometimes, you just have to accept that it's time to move on.
For all I wanted to 'treat her like a princess' when I married her over 15 years ago, things just didn't quite turn out that way.
Sure, I blame myself for many mistakes, situations that I could have controlled, dealt with better........my career, our spending. Should have considered all these things as protecting her and our small family. Taking care of her welfare.
Debt started appearing as an issue after only 4 years of marriage and it finally hit home affairs solidly after 6 years of marriage. Then all sorts went wrong, but not directly influenced by the debt alone.
Of course, in times of almost despair, people react different ways.
I should have looked after my princess when she was going quietly through her hell. I did try and I thought I was doing the best when I put my family on the train to set up the new home where we hailed from. I thought this would give her a break from her hell.
I should have stopped them and held them all tight when they all looked and cried at me.
I shouldn't have just said "Don't worry....it'll be okay" and then turned and walked away off the train......feeling like a heavy weight had just been lifted from my shoulders.
I should have kept my family with me, despite how very difficult, how desperate our survival, our situation......was.
I should have continued with the focus of my intentions............instead of focusing on my self made loneliness, and entering an affair.
How selfish that was, to put my own needs before my family. How lost I was though at this time.
When finally I returned, now 8 years of marriage....to go through my own hell, my princess kept going and then she took me back in.
But my struggles continued with work and in life. I kept on trying but things kept on failing.
All I wanted was to show my love and gratitude, but so much was already undone.
I kept on trying to try. I kept on talking in order to try. I can give affection and love. Surely she could see that to do this, all she needed to do was reciprocate.
It is reaching stalemate. Neither can fully give.........there is occasional sex, no affection, no love.
Both need the other to give more fully.
Struggles continue with work and in life......now 14 years into marriage.
A new job comes my way, offering more hope. Maybe a fresh start. She surely deserves.
15 years into marriage..............greyer clouds on the horizon, yet unseen.
We share less time together. We just do our own thing. She watches the TV or reads.....and I sit at the PC.
Not one holiday can we look back on. Not one holiday of family fun. Not one holiday of romance. Not one holiday of joy.
One holiday in history that we can describe. When we got engaged and it always rained. The first longest rainfall in 50 years.
Few days out, few days of fun.
Neither of us can be bothered even with just sex now.
All we find is struggle.
Communication has broken down
D-Day arrives.........
6th June 1944. Invasion of Normandy by allied forces to liberate Europe
6th June 2001. My military career comes to an end
6th June 2008. Our marriage comes to an end
A ceasefire is agreed. It is raining this night.
The End
For all I wanted to 'treat her like a princess' when I married her over 15 years ago, things just didn't quite turn out that way.
Sure, I blame myself for many mistakes, situations that I could have controlled, dealt with better........my career, our spending. Should have considered all these things as protecting her and our small family. Taking care of her welfare.
Debt started appearing as an issue after only 4 years of marriage and it finally hit home affairs solidly after 6 years of marriage. Then all sorts went wrong, but not directly influenced by the debt alone.
Of course, in times of almost despair, people react different ways.
I should have looked after my princess when she was going quietly through her hell. I did try and I thought I was doing the best when I put my family on the train to set up the new home where we hailed from. I thought this would give her a break from her hell.
I should have stopped them and held them all tight when they all looked and cried at me.
I shouldn't have just said "Don't worry....it'll be okay" and then turned and walked away off the train......feeling like a heavy weight had just been lifted from my shoulders.
I should have kept my family with me, despite how very difficult, how desperate our survival, our situation......was.
I should have continued with the focus of my intentions............instead of focusing on my self made loneliness, and entering an affair.
How selfish that was, to put my own needs before my family. How lost I was though at this time.
When finally I returned, now 8 years of marriage....to go through my own hell, my princess kept going and then she took me back in.
But my struggles continued with work and in life. I kept on trying but things kept on failing.
All I wanted was to show my love and gratitude, but so much was already undone.
I kept on trying to try. I kept on talking in order to try. I can give affection and love. Surely she could see that to do this, all she needed to do was reciprocate.
It is reaching stalemate. Neither can fully give.........there is occasional sex, no affection, no love.
Both need the other to give more fully.
Struggles continue with work and in life......now 14 years into marriage.
A new job comes my way, offering more hope. Maybe a fresh start. She surely deserves.
15 years into marriage..............greyer clouds on the horizon, yet unseen.
We share less time together. We just do our own thing. She watches the TV or reads.....and I sit at the PC.
Not one holiday can we look back on. Not one holiday of family fun. Not one holiday of romance. Not one holiday of joy.
One holiday in history that we can describe. When we got engaged and it always rained. The first longest rainfall in 50 years.
Few days out, few days of fun.
Neither of us can be bothered even with just sex now.
All we find is struggle.
Communication has broken down
D-Day arrives.........
6th June 1944. Invasion of Normandy by allied forces to liberate Europe
6th June 2001. My military career comes to an end
6th June 2008. Our marriage comes to an end
A ceasefire is agreed. It is raining this night.
The End
What the F*** is going ON!!
Why can I not just accept my wife for the way she is?
Why can I not just accept what I have in my life?
I have a son, I have a home, I have a wife and I am working!!
Why am I letting debt and lack of money cause a rift?
Why have I become less affectionate to my wife?
Why can't she be more adventurous?
Why can't I just forget about sex?
WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON!!
Why can I not just accept what I have in my life?
I have a son, I have a home, I have a wife and I am working!!
Why am I letting debt and lack of money cause a rift?
Why have I become less affectionate to my wife?
Why can't she be more adventurous?
Why can't I just forget about sex?
WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON!!
Sunday 8 June 2008
Sexual Stuff
I am affectionate and passionate.
I've never had that in my marriage.
I mean when I first got married I was just happy to get regular sex and being the affectionate, passionate person I was, if that meant missionary and sometimes doggy style then Ggggreat for me!!
Wooo hooo.
But I had to virtually beg for a blowjob!!
Oh like many people, before I got married I got off on the hardcore porn.....seen as that's all I could have, not that I was some freaky looking nerd who couldn't get a shag. I was just in such a situation that it never came regularly....or easy for me.
Booo hooo (ha haaa)
Well, being privvy to the hardcore porn I was bound to want to try some of it with a woman wasn't I.
Psychological stuff probably.
Oh as a young lad of about 11 years old I stumbled upon that shakey leg feeling of an orgasm in the most unusual circumstances. So did my then friend and we both thought it was so funny.
(No......we didn't do anything to each other you pervy gits who might be thinking that!!)
Anyway, that must've been the time when I first started masturbating (just in case you're offended by the word WANK).
By the way there is a small village in Bavaria called WANK....and WANKUM.
Bet yer didn't know that!
When I turned 16 I started ordering my first 'soft porn' magazines via the sunday newspaper adverts and I'd often sit in my bedroom wanking over the pictures of these GORGEOUS NAKED WOMEN!!
PHWOOAAARRRRRR! ha ha haaa.
Anyway back to the MEAT of the story!!
Like I say, I had to virtually beg for a blowjob.
Do you not realise how boring it actually becomes when all your partner wants is for you to shag her in the missionary or doggy position and let you do all the work while they lie there just moaning.......not actually PARTICIPATING.
Oh and imagine how it makes you feel when each time you're GAGGING for it, your partner just can't be bothered to SATISFY you......in any way!!
Imagine how it must feel also when your partner doesn't ever want to SNUGGLE their face into your chest, put their leg over you, and their arm around you....and always sleeps with their back to you.
Imagine how it feels when your partner just doesn't have the 'confidence' to dress up and act all sensuous when you ask nicely.....even after several years of knowing you....even after you do it for them!!
Is it any wonder then that I went off with a woman who was all of these things!
I'm sorry. REALLY I am genuinely sorry.
But guess what?
I don't feel guilty about it!!
It changed me though because this was a woman who was very attractive, very affectionate, very passionate, very sensuous, very adventurous and very open minded!!
It was almost like she was my SOUL MATE but it turned bad 'cos it was an affair. That's what happens in affairs....and it can destroy you, never mind the hurt it causes to your partner.
Just make sure if you do find yourself in that position, that you can fully accept the consequences.
Never mind the ethics and what gossiping people will say. Bugger all of that!!
Affairs generally happen because you're unhappy.....either lack of sex, lack of affection, lack of feeling wanted by your partner.
For that reason alone you are not guilty.....your partner is!!
Anyway.......I want to feel affection and passion again.
But I also want to have wild sex, dirty sex, hard sex.
I want to be more adventurous and explore the limits and taboos of sex between two consenting adults!!
I want one female partner that's all. Just sharing affection, passion and exploring what I've already said.
I want that feeling of having found my soul mate....but not just sexually.
I've never had that in my marriage.
I mean when I first got married I was just happy to get regular sex and being the affectionate, passionate person I was, if that meant missionary and sometimes doggy style then Ggggreat for me!!
Wooo hooo.
But I had to virtually beg for a blowjob!!
Oh like many people, before I got married I got off on the hardcore porn.....seen as that's all I could have, not that I was some freaky looking nerd who couldn't get a shag. I was just in such a situation that it never came regularly....or easy for me.
Booo hooo (ha haaa)
Well, being privvy to the hardcore porn I was bound to want to try some of it with a woman wasn't I.
Psychological stuff probably.
Oh as a young lad of about 11 years old I stumbled upon that shakey leg feeling of an orgasm in the most unusual circumstances. So did my then friend and we both thought it was so funny.
(No......we didn't do anything to each other you pervy gits who might be thinking that!!)
Anyway, that must've been the time when I first started masturbating (just in case you're offended by the word WANK).
By the way there is a small village in Bavaria called WANK....and WANKUM.
Bet yer didn't know that!
When I turned 16 I started ordering my first 'soft porn' magazines via the sunday newspaper adverts and I'd often sit in my bedroom wanking over the pictures of these GORGEOUS NAKED WOMEN!!
PHWOOAAARRRRRR! ha ha haaa.
Anyway back to the MEAT of the story!!
Like I say, I had to virtually beg for a blowjob.
Do you not realise how boring it actually becomes when all your partner wants is for you to shag her in the missionary or doggy position and let you do all the work while they lie there just moaning.......not actually PARTICIPATING.
Oh and imagine how it makes you feel when each time you're GAGGING for it, your partner just can't be bothered to SATISFY you......in any way!!
Imagine how it must feel also when your partner doesn't ever want to SNUGGLE their face into your chest, put their leg over you, and their arm around you....and always sleeps with their back to you.
Imagine how it feels when your partner just doesn't have the 'confidence' to dress up and act all sensuous when you ask nicely.....even after several years of knowing you....even after you do it for them!!
Is it any wonder then that I went off with a woman who was all of these things!
I'm sorry. REALLY I am genuinely sorry.
But guess what?
I don't feel guilty about it!!
It changed me though because this was a woman who was very attractive, very affectionate, very passionate, very sensuous, very adventurous and very open minded!!
It was almost like she was my SOUL MATE but it turned bad 'cos it was an affair. That's what happens in affairs....and it can destroy you, never mind the hurt it causes to your partner.
Just make sure if you do find yourself in that position, that you can fully accept the consequences.
Never mind the ethics and what gossiping people will say. Bugger all of that!!
Affairs generally happen because you're unhappy.....either lack of sex, lack of affection, lack of feeling wanted by your partner.
For that reason alone you are not guilty.....your partner is!!
Anyway.......I want to feel affection and passion again.
But I also want to have wild sex, dirty sex, hard sex.
I want to be more adventurous and explore the limits and taboos of sex between two consenting adults!!
I want one female partner that's all. Just sharing affection, passion and exploring what I've already said.
I want that feeling of having found my soul mate....but not just sexually.
What is the point?
What's the point sitting here at my computer typing ponderous thoughts about my life, what I do or what goes on in my life.......to an audience I don't know?
I mean come on!!
Who the hell actually cares!
For Godssake everyone...........anyone. If you've happened to just stumble upon my blog then obviously YOU are probably feeling quite lonely and looking for something.
I can't give you answers or comfort!
BLOGS......tut, tut!!
Fair enough if you've got an interesting headline, hobby or story that actually appeals to lots of people.
What is it with this modern society of 'internet celebrity seeking wannabes'!
Why the hell do you want to tell the whole world about your trip to Florence....or show pictures of your children and family!!
NO SERIOUSLY!! WHY????
Hey listen....I'm not an angry person okay. I'm actually a very nice person who's just going through the same normal crap that millions of others are going through. Probably even my next door neighbour.
Oh and I'm seperating from my wife after 15 years of marriage, 8 of which have been miserable for both of us.
OH REALLY?????
Woooooooooo.
Hey like I said I'm not angry. NO REALLY I am definitely not.
Anyway, I'm just gonna have to get on with my life and see what crap lies round the next corner for me!
It might be good actually, WHO KNOWS!!
Well...........read if you want. I don't really care 'cos there's nothing special about me. I just have a habit of blabbing about whatever comes into my head.
I'm not looking for fame or notoriety. I will probably end up deleting this blog at some stage anyway after I've come back to realise it's all just worthless, pointless crap.
Listen........if you really want to do something with your life....for godssake just go and do it!!
Get off your sorrowful sad arse, get away from this 'tell everyone about me' internet syndrome.
I guess that's what I'm trying to tell myself.
Change is in the air for me.
I mean come on!!
Who the hell actually cares!
For Godssake everyone...........anyone. If you've happened to just stumble upon my blog then obviously YOU are probably feeling quite lonely and looking for something.
I can't give you answers or comfort!
BLOGS......tut, tut!!
Fair enough if you've got an interesting headline, hobby or story that actually appeals to lots of people.
What is it with this modern society of 'internet celebrity seeking wannabes'!
Why the hell do you want to tell the whole world about your trip to Florence....or show pictures of your children and family!!
NO SERIOUSLY!! WHY????
Hey listen....I'm not an angry person okay. I'm actually a very nice person who's just going through the same normal crap that millions of others are going through. Probably even my next door neighbour.
Oh and I'm seperating from my wife after 15 years of marriage, 8 of which have been miserable for both of us.
OH REALLY?????
Woooooooooo.
Hey like I said I'm not angry. NO REALLY I am definitely not.
Anyway, I'm just gonna have to get on with my life and see what crap lies round the next corner for me!
It might be good actually, WHO KNOWS!!
Well...........read if you want. I don't really care 'cos there's nothing special about me. I just have a habit of blabbing about whatever comes into my head.
I'm not looking for fame or notoriety. I will probably end up deleting this blog at some stage anyway after I've come back to realise it's all just worthless, pointless crap.
Listen........if you really want to do something with your life....for godssake just go and do it!!
Get off your sorrowful sad arse, get away from this 'tell everyone about me' internet syndrome.
I guess that's what I'm trying to tell myself.
Change is in the air for me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)